I don’t post pics like this...ever. But I’ve been having conversations with my coach and some other folks about being open and honest and I preach you have to be positive and think positively about yourself. I’m great at saying it to other people but I’m really bad at doing it for me. How bad you ask? I recently had a dear friend whom I adore point out how I’m downright malicious I am to myself on occasion. To have that pointed out to me from someone who doesn’t see me that often really struck a nerve. And that was part of my reason to spend time, energy and money to work on changing my mind and myself.
So here goes.
This is post a 1-mile swim in the Caribbean ocean here in Aruba. No shirt, no filters, no smirk, no problems. Right? Wrong. Lots of problems. I don't put up pics like this on purpose. Because it can’t stand to look at myself (ya, I put up gym/workout pics but that’s a little different). It's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder...and I’ve suffered from it most of my life. It's not a girl thing or a guy thing...it's a people thing. Not something uncommon that people who have been obese (or people who are skinny or people who have issues with their looks in general, honestly) deal with. For me -the former as an adult, the latter as a child/teenager.
Even though I’ve dropped the 245lbs I used to weigh at my heaviest...and even when I was 170lbs Ironman racing...I still thought/think I look fat. And my body...if it were a wonderland, all the rides have been broken...multiple times. Torn, sick, ripped, fractured, repaired, operated on, healed. I've put this body through hell (my brain too) and I’m paying dearly for it now. Cut to me to today where I’m at around 200/205lbs (I don’t honestly know because scales and weighing myself makes me very upset) and I refuse to look at myself in the mirror...much less without clothes on...and even though I have medical issues I am and have been dealing with, for quite some time (and the docs can’t understand how I get anything accomplished based on my health - honestly it’s a combo of stubbornness and “Ranger” willpower)...all is see is the unattractive (even though to be honest I’ve never seen myself as a good looking guy. Just being honest, not fishing for compliments) Jabba the Hutt version of myself. And it takes a toll.
I was dreading this trip to Aruba because how can you not be happy and half naked at the beach?! I had hoped to look different for this trip too given the workouts and food and work I’ve been doing over the last 6 weeks but since I’m not gorgeous with 12 pack abs, my level of stress was through the roof. But, but, but, the “change” now is not beating myself up...rather it’s focusing on the work I have been doing. Even here while on vacation. I’m making sure I’m still getting my workouts in (gym, yoga AND meditation) eating LOTS of delicious grilled seafood and veggies and fresh fruit and not gorging on sweets and/or alcohol. Does it take away from my enjoyment on vacation? Nope. But it does make me feel like I’m not losing the gains I’ve made thus far.
I don’t know if I look any different but I certainly feel different. I feel stronger. I feel like I’m getting fit again. I’m actually sleeping (solid, REM sleep that I haven’t enjoyed in YEARS) AND I feel better regardless of how I “look”. I share all this because a: people make assumptions about me and my health and my fitness (and they’re almost always wrong) and b: I know I’m not the only guy that struggles with this and others who do should know they’re not alone.
I’ve said it before but you body eats everything you give it...including negativity. The only way to change and grow is to be positive and accepting of your limitations, change what you can and reach out for help to change the things your struggling with. That “re-wiring” of the brain in addition to the physical stuff is the key to success and a lesson I’m learning. You can only “Ranger through everything” for so long. I’m not where I want to be...but I’m getting there.
