Sunday, March 19, 2017

I'm frustrated...

So here's a lil bluster, no BS, just straight shooting. That look kinda says it all. After my last surgery (I say last not because it'll be my last, just that it's the latest of my 13 to date) I have been confused, disappointed and depressed. Doing serious damage and getting it repaired and recovering and getting back to "life" takes a toll and has taken one. Honestly, I'm tired of it and am willing and able to say out loud it just plain sucks. While I have no desire to sit around and blossom back up to 250lbs...I also have no desire to get back to my normal everyday training again or even try as I heal/recover from surgery. Now we're talking about quality of life as life goes on. I haven't trusted myself to do any "real" training for fear that it would either aggravate the damage I've already done or hinder the healing of my hip. But...the inactivity has left me wanting...and fat. While people may think I'm not "fat", for me and the weight I like/want to be at, I am. I normally race at 165-170 with my "off-season" weight being up around 10lbs more. I'm over 200 right now. While you may think I "look healthy", your opinion is just that...but bottom line, I'm heavier than I was, my clothes don't fit and I can feel the weight in my back, hips, knees and ankles...all of which have been repaired at least once throughout my life thus far. Why is that important? Because that impacts my "mental health" and that is just as if not more important than my physical health. But, 2 days back training have helped and with my date to be cleared to get back to running just a couple weeks away I'm hoping I can build on this and get the "bug" to get back after it again. Look, no matter what the photos or race results show...EVERYONE struggles at some point. Sometimes the struggles are greater than others. It sucks, plain and simple but I just have to keep that in mind and continue to fight on.

I wrote this partly as a reminder/motivation for myself and partly because I'm sick and tired of everyone gladhanding/glossing over the suckery of injury, training or life. People's who's response is: "you'll be back at it in no time", "it's a minor set back" or any over the other common bs answers are not the kind of people I want to be around. The "right" answer is "I can totally see how you feel that way or are struggling, what can be done to help". THOSE are the people that help you with life. Just spit balling here.

Ya, it's a long post but I'm frustrated...

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