Monday, February 24, 2014

Why do I do this? No, really...

There are days I doubt myself as a swimmer, triathlete...and athlete in general. This was just such a day. It should come as no surprise that I am struck with these doubts while in the water (yes, it hits me most often in the water...I mean my prior post was all about my having to drag myself to swim since its not something I'm good at...but trust me, that doubt monkey resides on my back during any activity in the day). That moment when I ask myself "what the hell am I doing this for?!"  Rapidly followed by "this is just killing me", "I'm never gonna be a pro" or "it's not like I'm any good at this anyway".
Self discovery can often be found while trying not to drown...
It should also not come as a surprise that I get this feeling during the cold, dark, snowy (more so than normal this year) offseason here in New England. It's just hard to stay motivated to train when it'd be much easier (and a lot more fun) to sit around the house enjoying a big bowl of Doritos or a German Chocolate cake...or two (hmmmm, cake) than drag myself to workout. And yes, I know we all go through the training "blahs" but this year seems worst than most. 

Yes, I work very hard at staying positive and I'm a great "coach" to get other people over the hump when they're having down days or a bad training session...but much like a psychiatrist who needs their own psychiatrist because "treating yourself" with the words you use for others sounds like garbage after a positivity falls on deaf ears when directed to me. And...I'm my own worst critic when it comes to my "athletic" successes (or lack thereof) and failures. I know this is something everyone deals with and contrary to popular belief, I am not immune. I focus on those crusher workouts and drag-my-tongue-across-the-finish-line races because the effort and pain helps to keep the doubt monkey at bay...but sometimes he jumps right on my back and kicks my ass.

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